10.22.2010

Rant of a Crazy Woman (and a praise)

Every once in a while when I'm down here at GCSU, I wonder What the heck am I doing here? I know God has led me to be here, but I'm beginning to question the reasoning that I had come to of why He led me here. At first, I thought I was here to be a Music Therapist, and while that could be part of His plan, I'm thinking it wasn't His most important reason. Before I get to that point, I'm going to rant like a crazy woman.
I'm so frustrated all the time in my classes. My theory teacher talks about fishing instead of theory. My Math Modeling teacher gives us middle school style assignments. My theory lab teacher is going over basic material that any music student should know before entering a university music program. Last but not least, my english teacher seems to think I have the best freshman writing he's ever seen, which is certainly NOT a good thing. I was challenged more in my high school classes, and I find it ridiculous.
Granted, it is only my first semester here, but I'm so tired of being spoon-fed and treated like a middle schooler. Many of my teachers tell us not to nap in class, instead of letting a student accept responsibility for the choice he makes to sleep in class, just to give an example. All the while I'm talking to God like Why did You bring me here? This isn't what I was hoping for? I love the social aspect of it, like the freedom of being on my own, but sometimes I feel a bit of anger towards God for leading me here. Then I realized my purpose here is beyond educational matters. I feel like God's been showing me that He needed to bring me here so that I could learn to grow on my own, instead of depending on others to help me. Today, in my quiet time, the devotional was about being completely reliant on the Lord for strength and for the ability to get through each day, which was kind of perfect for me in light of the battle I feel like I've been fighting in the past few days. I've just felt so spiritually alone. I don't have my friends, I don't have a church challenging me to grow, and it's disheartening frequently. Satan has really been coming against me, making me feel like I'm not walking in the light, and not being an example of Christ. Usually, when I feel this way, I'd have somebody to talk to who I could hang out with or grab lunch with, instead of only having the option to make a phone call to talk to them.
But in the midst of all of this, I can see God's hand. Like I was saying before my mini-rant, I feel like God has taken me somewhere where He can be alone with me. Yes, I know there are 5,000 people at GCSU, but alone in the sense of I have nobody up here to guide me and show me the way to go in my spiritual walk. I have to keep my eyes on Jesus and follow the path that He lays out for me. And it's freaking hard. I know I'm never alone but at the same time I do feel by myself. I feel completely incapable of doing what God needs me to do up here. I'm totally messed up, and here in Milledgeville it's like my sinful nature is more exposed, and God wanted that so He could truly do a work in my that would last. Thinking about it, I see that God is seeking to humble me in my frustrations with the academic program, too. His love has changed my heart and affected my life in someway. God, I'm having to run to keep up with You.
While I do wish I could leave GCSU sometimes, I know God has brought me here for a reason. He has to do some stuff with me. He's got stuff to do through me, incorporating me somehow into His perfect plan. Now, I just hope to be able to live a life worthy of the calling that I've been given. Even though I'm frustrated here a lot, everything here is just temporary. I'm not stuck in this dorm, in this town, in this college and it's not my home. He is my home. For Him to divinely appoint me to where I am and trust me to do what He's called me to, all I can do is be thankful and take joy in the fact that He's got some big stuff in store for me. I just pray that I can bear good fruit and shine a love that is endearing and plants a seed into each heart. Wow, He's incredible.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."
Proverbs 3: 5-6

5 comments:

  1. Ellen I think a good portion of your type window is being hidden so that we can't read your entire post well. I read it anyway as best as I could.

    I'm sorry that there is much frustration, but I'm delighted that your growing closer to Him! Keep us updated! We love and are praying for you!

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  2. Is this better? Sorry about that! Thanks so much for taking the time to ready, though, I appreciate it!

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  3. girl-- REMEMBER NOTHING IS WRITTEN IN STONE. NOTHING IS "FINAL", except Him-- "It is Finished."
    You have freedom mixed with responsibility. Life takes SO many twists and turns, and sometimes your brain just reels around from all the spinning. ANYTHING that puts you on your face before Him is NOT BAD altogether and will be ultimately used for your good. I will be praying with you for clarity... for your future...for your choices. But remember, MANY people change plans mid-flight. Parting of finding who you are or WHO YOU ARE IN HIM, is learning who you are NOT. I will pray for endurance in the temporary.... BUT also for COURAGE for the future. Do not be afraid to make other choices, that may even scare you to death. This is real life. After highschool, especially one that has challenged you so keenly and kept you so focused, it can be positively confusing to feel like there is too much freedom or too many hoops and not someone there to push you in a direction. LISTEN TO HIM. Don't waste your loneliness. I want you to email me your mailing address-- will you???
    We love you and are *PROUD* of you, Ellen! You are growing into your skin! You are growing INTO Him. Keep pressing.
    Love, tab

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  4. Honestly, Ellen, What a BLESSING that you have a relationship with the Lord that allows you to realize that this path may be less about your formal education than it is about your growing relationship with Him and your ability to shine His light to those whose lives you touch every day! I feel the same way as Tabitha, but could not word it better! I, too, will pray for you as you struggle with unmet expectations, a sense of aloneness, and your frustration with your circumstances. Remember, you don't have to be "capable of what God needs you to do." He will work through you; just allow yourself to be a conduit and He will put you in the right places and put the right words in your mouth.
    I love you, Amy

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